I never talk about my problems.

I am an excellent judge of person.

I only say that because I have yet to be wrong.

I know I can be wrong and I fear the day I am.

I’ve never been in a relationship before, but I’ve saved my friends from hellish ones and regretted not telling them the signs I saw when things went wrong.

And I hate getting those signs when I see that my friend is in love.

My friend is happy.

My friend’s at peace.

Finally.

Happily.

I don’t want to be the one to break that happiness.

But if it is the other who breaks it… I regret not saying something. Not saying what I saw.

I can’t wait for the day I’m wrong, yet I fear it at the same time.

Recently, I didn’t say what I saw, I brushed it off, saying I could trust the niceness of the person.

Now niceness isn't even something I can trust.

My friend would love, would absolutely adore being in a loving relationship, but doesn’t want to rush things. People they’ve been stuck with have wanted to rush things and they’ve hurt my friend due to it. Friend hides it very well, but I know façades like the back of my hand, which I don’t actually know well but the simile still stands.

I hate that I see things from the one they like, but I can’t tell if they’re pet peeves of mine or signs.

One is saying phrases for me, making assumptions about things I might do, despite that I am there and quite capable of doing so.

Yet the things they say are never things I’d do.

“She’s so annoyed by this.”

It’s hard to annoy me. Exceedingly difficult.
“We’ll be up there screaming and she’ll pull out a gun and shoot up, ‘shut up!’”

I’d never.

Yet they always look at me and the normal façade I’d put up is a, “Yes of course I’d do that.” And go back to whatever I was doing before. Yet, with this person, whom I was friends with before this relationship started sparking, wouldn’t do that. Now they do.

And I’ve never understood why.

I don’t know if this is just a pet peeve of mine, but others have noticed this as well, in their lovestruck friends. Is it just something about being attracted?

I look back at the people who have been involved with this, and I cannot name one that I still know today. My friends from the relationships I still know, but their potential partners are long gone and forgotten...or bad memories.

I just remembered one. I’m a nice and odd person, who my friends love for me, but these people always seem to somewhat perceive me as a nuisance, from small to large.

I understand wanting to be alone, but if my friend invited me along, I’m not just going to sit back and act like I’m not there. I’ve done that enough.

I’m an excellent third wheel. Specifically due to my friends, wanting to keep me in the activity and always involving me despite their partner’s defiance.

I try not to change for them, but sometimes my façades can’t help it. It hurts.

I’m someone who practically can’t get bored. Friend asked earlier what we should do, they’re bored. I offered a lot of things before we decided on heading to this place that has free board games and stuff. We played two games, which took an hour surprisingly, wandered a bit, and returned.

The longer I spent with the two of them, the less welcome I felt.

Now my friend’s spending the night at the other’s place.

And I sit here, looking at this potential sign, and I don’t want him to be a #3. We’ve gone through #1 and #2… we don’t need a #3. Especially my friend.

I don’t know if I want to tell her or not. On #1 I told her because I was afraid (and for good reason, check out Aeon if you want to know more). On #2 she asked, but I hadn’t known them for long enough to really determine, so I said it was subject to change. When I left for a weekend, it did change, right in the way I slowly was seeing it going towards.

Now this… I want potential #3 to change. I want them to realize what type of person my friend is, and that just wanting to snuggle with you in a bed on a cold night doesn’t mean they want to bloody mate with you. Companionship’s better than mating.

I fear they will not though. And it hurts. It makes me sad. It makes me feel the emotions that my friend would feel dare this goes down the wrong path. I don’t want them to feel like it’s all over. That they can’t find a decent partner around here.

Yet, I look at the problem, and I look at the potential partner, and I fear being wrong.

If I am wrong, I might ruin a relationship that could’ve gone all right. If I’m right, I suffer the pain of knowing I could’ve stopped my friend from having pain. From losing hope.

That’s how far they are too. They have an excellent façade, our other friends don’t see it, but I do. All I am is façades. It hurts.

There will be a point in time I’m wrong and I end up really hurting my friend over it. They’ll be mad and flip out on me and… I’ll just break. I’d probably break down and cry. All the hurt would leak out onto the floor and it would just keep going. It would be all about me. And I hate that.

It won’t happen with this friend, I hope, but I know it will eventually. After that I won’t know what to do. I won’t even be able to trust myself any more.

I’m stuck with a self who doesn’t like trusting anyone, who keeps to themselves due to the lack of trusting others with who I really am. That brought around façades, which has made so many different types of me that I don’t even know who I really am. Yet I’m happy with who I am. I’m not happy with the façades, but I am happy with me, as contradictory as that sounds. Sort of like somewhere in me I know who I am, despite that I can't give a definite answer.

Yet, a beautiful phrase, keeps in my head.

I never talk about my problems.

I never talk about my issues, what struggles I have in my life.

Why?

I feel selfish.

Because people have worse problems than me.

Right?

I wrote that down and added a little design to it and now it is stuck above me, to the top bunk. I've got a weird drawing of "Idefk where I'm going to be in 10 years" to my right and that above me as I sleep.

Anything's possible, but I fear this will never change.

And I can only type these things out and "publish" them due to the small amount of views we actually get. If I could just tell others this it'd make my day.

I read something, which I believe isn't true... but now it's creeping back up on me.

"The happiest of people are often the saddest on the inside."

My inside's discombobulated, especially with this. But everyone has problems.

When am I going to be the one who tells the story while another listens?

When do I get to complain?

Two selfish questions I never ask. I could never ask that. And if someone sat me down and told me to complain to them I couldn't. It hurts. I'm physically unable to.

That's what making videos will eventually help, I hope. Help with me stuck in this, "It's selfish to tell others your problems," loop. Since, technically, I'm just talking to myself.

And Frost, whenever you read this, given you actually do, I'd rather not talk about it. For reasons above.

I'm so hypocritical with this. I tell my friends to let out their emotions on me. To let me carry their burden, in a sense.

Is that selfish?

Yet I'm unable to do so and I feel it's selfish when I do so. It's not selfish for them to do so, because I listen, I care, I want to help.

Do they listen? Do they care? Do they want to help?

I can't answer that. I physically can't.

Because I have no right to judge them that way. I have no right to judge anyone.

Yet I do...and so far I've always been correct.

I do unintentionally.

I can try to justify this enough, I'm just another sick judging person, who's stuck in a loop that people accept with gratitude and happiness, not as I do... with regret and desire to escape.

If I was able to look at someone and go, "I want to be their friend!" instead of, "Can I trust them?" I'd....

I'd give anything for that to happen.